Pre-cancer, I unaware of the process of evaluation and the time it takes to receive the final diagnosis. Today is 38 days after my initial meeting with Dr. Ingram regarding what I had jokingly calling my “neck balls”, which he thought would be some kind of abnormal lymph nodes and mentioned lymphoma as the most far-fetched possibility. I started through the evaluation period walking blindly into the unknown as to what my neck balls could be and what was causing them. In the first 12 days, I had a CT scan, chest x-ray, and core biopsy, and walked through these largely not putting much thought into it nor losing sleep over it. On December 16, Dr. Ingram called and informed me that the cells from the core biopsy were atypical cells showing malignancy and indicative of some form of lymphoma, but that the results were not diagnostic and that we would have to do an excisional biopsy on the 19th with a pre-op appointment on the 18th. On December 23, 2014, I found out I had “diffuse large B cell lymphoma”, but that is not the end of it where treatment is determined or starts. From that point, there is another round of scheduling appointments and procedures to determine the stage of the cancer.

From the 23rd until today, I have had a consultation with my first oncologist, chemotherapy information meeting, echocardiogram, PET scan, blood tests, and bone marrow biopsy. This period is draining in two ways. First, it is extremely time consuming. Although I had a great experience with the staff at Cone Health Cancer Center referring me to other doctors and scheduling my appointments, on top of several incredible friends providing information and putting me in contact with the best doctors to treat this type of lymphoma, and my family helping me with research and going to appointments, it still consumed so much of my time. I could not have worked during the scheduling period alone due to amount of time it took for me to take the phone calls for the referrals and research of the doctors, facilities, procedures, and treatment options (this period fortunately fell during the time my company was closed for the holidays). Time continues to be consumed with attending the aforementioned appointments and procedures and some yet to be determined.

Second, and even worse, is that the uncertainty and unknown become worse after receiving the initial diagnosis of cancer. During the second phase of diagnosis, I realized that knowing that I had DLBCL wasn’t enough; that was only enough to dictate that I have cancer am a cancer patient. I still had a good number of tests to endure and to be reviewed before the stage could be determined, which dictates the treatment and my ability to go through fertility preservation. I had a difficult time dealing with the uncertainty and unknown during the period waiting to get the stage diagnosis. I am wired to recognize a problem, research it, and solve it, and with this, I was forced to sit back and rely on others to do it for me and not in the time frame I would have preferred. Even still, I spent most of my days in the past couple of weeks distracting myself and focusing on the lists of things I needed to schedule and to research, and to some degree trying to self-diagnose and clinging to my overly ambitious and optimist tendencies. Then mainly in the quiet of the night, I would lie awake running through those lists in my head and then facing the dismay and anger I had been repressing, the deepest fears of the effects of cancer on my life and the lives of my loved ones, and the fears of my mortality. For the past 16 days, I could not sleep more than an hour or so at a time without waking up, and then would spend equal amounts of time trying to go back to sleep. During these 16 days, I along with everyone walking through this journey with me became victims of the unknown.

Finally, today the unknown and uncertain became slightly more known and more certain. Jason and I met with Dr. Gorsuch again to review the PET Scan and the medical board’s analysis of my case, and finally be told the stage of my cancer. To our great joy, we were told by Dr. Gorsuch with a smile on her face, that I have Stage 1 DLBCL. She showed us the PET scan and pointed out that the only area presenting cancerous cells is in the left supraclavicular region of my neck. When I asked her what she thought when she saw my scan, she responded with a “Yayyyy!” with her arms up in a “Kaley trapped in a box” dance move fashion and that she is “very optimistic” about my treatment and prognosis. Jason and I were practically giddy as we walked out of the Cancer Center. Just as I never could have fathomed having cancer, I never could have fathomed the relief and happiness I felt today finding out I have stage 1 DLBCL. The best part of the day was getting to share this with others who met the news with tears and the same giddiness I feel. It allowed me to feel like I was providing some small token back to everyone for the tremendous love and support they have given me in the past few weeks.

In terms of treatment, this means that I will be going through three rounds of chemo (R-CHOP-21, which will be three 21 day cycles with one day of infusion in the hospital in each cycle and rest taking pills at home/work) followed by radiation after chemo is complete. We still have to meet with Dr. Fritz tomorrow to discuss fertility preservation options, have the port placement surgery on Monday, and meet with Dr. Park on Tuesday to get his opinion. After those appointments, we will determine whether Dr. Gorsuch or Dr. Park will be my primary oncologist and hopefully have a timeline in place to get through the fertility treatment and start chemo. Although there is still much uncertainty and unknown and there always will be to some degree, I have one more known major factor, thankful for the friends, family, and doctors walking with me through this, and am looking forward to a good night’s sleep.